Coping without sleep

“You must be strong enough to strike and strike and strike again without tiring. The first lesson is to make yourself that strong.”
― Holly Black, The Wicked King

I haven’t written a blog for months and months. I have been struggling to get my work done, to keep the house tidy and basically function in any normal way. Why? My eight year old child will not sleep without me at all. Sleep issues have always plagued my household but the past 7 months has been so extreme, I have barely been able to cope. I am exhausted. As a single mother I have no one to share the burden with, both the tiredness and the emotional toll. Additionally, my eldest daughter is autistic and already does not sleep great either, she is very noise sensitive (so all the screaming and crying is getting to her) and also a light sleeper. For months now I have slept on her bedroom floor with my duvet just to try to ensure everyone got a good rest, well everyone but me that is. I have been so tired I have considered giving up work.

Unfortunately, we are not out of the woods but I am getting some support and we have a programme we are following. This involves a range of strategies we have devised together which are displayed on a poster she made for her wall, rewards when she manages to get to sleep alone and for staying in her bed.

Two nights ago we went cold turkey on me sitting with my daughter until she falls asleep. I was amazed that the first two night went really smoothly and she was able to get off to sleep in her own bed. However, she awoke at 3am this morning (Friday so a school day) and was awake until 5am, crying, shouting for me and coming through to my room. She was exhausted this morning but managed to get through the day quite well until bedtime. It is now 10pm and she has been crying hysterically and hyperventilating while shouting for me and getting out of bed (12 times) since 7.30pm. It is heart wrenching hearing her cry and unable to breathe but the things she is shouting are absolutely breaking my heart. ‘I can’t do it’ ‘I need you’ ‘It’s not fair’ ‘I am so tired’ ‘I can’t sleep without you; ‘I am too hot/feel sick/have a sore tummy/head’ ‘I am scared’. I know there is an element of manipulation to get what she wants but it is just awful when you child is so distressed. I know I cannot backslide now but it is so hard.

The therapist supporting us did say that for night time anxiety to get better, it does have to get worse first. This is as the proximity seeking behaviour is severed, I was warned there would be resistance. I am trying to focus on the progress we have made so far, I have spent a few precious nights alone in my own bed. I am determined that we will keep making progress together, I am proud of us both, even when it is hard, I know this is the best thing for us moving forward.